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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Ron is short for Aaronald
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Room with a view.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.