@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

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@fro_vo

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

@alyssalimp

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

@normwilner

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

@poizngrl

I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family

@deep_academic

I am an Indian and I can tell you that Brits take forever to leave. #Brexit #BrexitShambles

@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

@RoastedPapad

[Interview]
HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

@whatmaddness

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

@SCbchbum

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*