The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

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When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card


Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling


Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man


I didn’t see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I’m the only one with brown eyes in the family


I am an Indian and I can tell you that Brits take forever to leave. #Brexit #BrexitShambles


It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”


HR – What are your strengths and weaknesses ?
Me – WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.


Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood


The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.


WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*