The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
HERE’S MARKY
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.