The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us