Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
termite twitter scares me
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.