@luckyshirt

The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”

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@Marlebean

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@cajones113

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

@david8hughes

Due to personal reasons I will be looking like shit until Christmas. After Christmas it will be due to other reasons.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

@sammyrhodes

If you’ve ever wondered which of your friends loved V for Vendetta, you’re in luck today.

@vajennilogue2

May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?

– how I get out of any situation

@charliedelta7

My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

@CoolHegel

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut