*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.