Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
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just make the entire table out of coaster
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I thought this was funny lol
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire