The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER