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I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
This squirrel eats better than I do
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*