@SweetTweetsBRO

The worst feeling ever is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are alcohol.

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@GrantTanaka

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

@ErinChack

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

@thomaskeamon

I just learned today that Cardi B’s real name is belcalis almanzar. I said that shit out loud and my furniture started floating

@GrantTanaka

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@rablivingstone

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

@tira_tira_tira

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.