The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible