Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]