@behindyourback

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

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@Cherbearxo

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”

@jamdugg

*Parents admiring their new baby*

She has her mother’s eyes!

And her father’s nose!

And her drunk uncle’s motor skills!

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

@JohnLemongrab

“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”

@mallaidhanne

me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,

@MedikalMiracle

“Hey, long time. Wassup?” should be auto-corrected to “Dude. Can you do me a favor?”