January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece