Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
How to draw a duck
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
12653.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
no refunds
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING