@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

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@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@fro_vo

i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom

@ThisLocalHater

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee and watched at least 45 minutes of archived Ted Bundy trial footage.

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.

@Adam14

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

@tiffany_pulfrey

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

@ShortSleeveSuit

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

@iAmDelFreaky

I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.

@LostFelicia

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off