@TheBoydP

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

@SleazySli

Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@i_zzzzzz

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@LoveNLunchmeat

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

@eeethanford

*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Hello 911?
Please send all your ambulances