Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
You Might Also Like
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Speed dating has nothing to do with drugs. I know that now.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances