WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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This is why there aren’t any gays in horror films
At the library:
Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.
Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
College: Wake and Bake
Now: Woke and Broke
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*sees hot guy
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens
*mouths* “call me”
“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues