@kimlockhartga

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

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@dorsalstream

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

@usermcuserface

At the library:

Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.

Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

@Smooheed

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

@RorynotRoy

“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues