Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: Can I pet your dog?
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
S: maybe you should get your own
S: we have to go
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.