@kimlockhartga

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

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@crunchenhancer

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@ilikeyouguys

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

@ericsshadow

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

@Jake_Vig

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.