The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.