The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.