Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?
Me: that’s the last thing you should do.
Me: first fight them with forgiveness.
Me: stab them with a smile.
Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.
Me: then kill them with kindness
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.