@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

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@NewDadNotes

Daughter: should I kill my enemies with kindness?

Me: that’s the last thing you should do.

Daughter: oh.

Me: first fight them with forgiveness.

Daughter:

Me: stab them with a smile.

Daughter:

Me: bludgeon them with inner beauty.

Daughter:

Me: then kill them with kindness

@GrantTanaka

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

@ibid78

[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@amazymay72x

You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@daemonic3

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

@theevilwriter

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

@ShellHasDragons

If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science