The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Raisins are grape jerky.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
time machine? you mean a clock?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)