@UncleDuke1969

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

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@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.