If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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Me: Yes, I will take one garage please
Pull my hair!
No! Just the grey ones.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.
I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.