The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
the icebreaker
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.