The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die


Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.


“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out


“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.