The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Siri, fight Alexa.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.