The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
This will never not be funny to me.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.