The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.


Anaesthetist: Count back from 10



ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h


My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.


Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”



HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure


Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.