The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Aaaa…CHOO!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho