Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
oppen heimer style lol
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat