Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.