The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
what it’s like dating me:
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
When you kidnap a writer.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
me logging onto twitter
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]