@PatsATweetin

The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

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@CoolCamel69

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@mishakey

Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.

@clindsaysway

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@OctopusCaveman

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

@chuuew

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives