The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.


80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.


Is there anything better than being fit and healthy? Yes. Pizza and beer.


Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.


Doctor: “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Ian: “err… 13…”

Doc: “Yeah. Some of these are yours. You’ve been in a serious accident.”


Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush


I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”


ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives