The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
also my go-to takeaway order
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.