The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
You Might Also Like
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.