The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
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My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I鈥檓 sure he wants something, but he鈥檚 scaring the hell out of me.
Don鈥檛 you dare stand in my way, that鈥檚 my job.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That鈥檚 just peanut butter m&m鈥檚 and some ibuprofen.
Me: It鈥檚 homemade.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
People think it鈥檚 embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it鈥檚 way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I get it Roomba, I can鈥檛 find my way out of the kitchen either.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 馃
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you鈥檙e a holiday
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.