Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My birthstone is kidney
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey