@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

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@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@sofarrsogud

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

@ashlar36

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

@Scottyd309

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.