[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.