The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

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Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill


Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true


My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.


Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.


End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *


I’m just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.


Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.


I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry


please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”