@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill

@Mr_Kapowski

Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true

@D_Ciphered

My psychiatrist tells me it’s just transference, but I’m pretty sure I love anyone who will listen to my problems armed with a prescription pad.

@RickAaron

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

@Ideal_Victoria

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@EddieMcSugarnut

I’m just a naked guy in an elm tree noticing the creepy way you stare at me through your bathroom window.

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

@NicestHippo

I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry

@glamoureptile

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”