Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
The worst part of cooking is explaining everything to the invisible camera crew.
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Hotel California manager: oh no
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly
[before axes were invented]
Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.