“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
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MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber