The worst part of cooking is explaining everything to the invisible camera crew.

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Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker


Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.


this guy who ghosted me hit me up this morning and i was like “why’d you ghost” and he said he felt like i was subtweeting him and i said what tweets? and every single one he sent was from when i was livetweeting Surviving R. Kelly and they were all about R. Kelly


[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise


I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.


My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.


Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back


I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way


You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.