Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.