The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Just this preview of the story is enough
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house