@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

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@FatherofTweet

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@markydoodoo

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@StinkyGr33n

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?

@VocabuLarry

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

@SvetySveta

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.