The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

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So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.


When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it’s an injured Transformer.


Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.


Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it


Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct


COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…


I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.


If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.