no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Taco Bell, Exit 22
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
🤭😂
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.