the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I feel seen.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
yall want some gasoline milk
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
so i’m at the stock market right
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.