Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.
Nine months if things go really wrong.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.
Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.