The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.


When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”


If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.


Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”


Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this.

Doctor: You’re not doing anything. You’re just sitting there being alive.

Me: Exactly.


No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.