The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh