the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
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“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”