the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.