@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

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@Wine_Honey1

When I’m exercising with my cats, I barely make it through track one on my playlist before I need a nap in someone’s yard.

*gets arrested for trespassing

@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

@rachelle_mandik

my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”

@PimpBillClinton

Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@ehdannyboy

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

@atanya1111

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@JustBeingEmma

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.