What did I learn getting fired today?
Never walk behind your boss, poke his bald spot and yell, “Hey, you’ve got a hole in your haircut”.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It’s important to make her feel wanted…
….so I called the cops on her.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”
– Inventors of boomerangs
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Dang girl are you Die Hard on TBS because it looks like all the good parts are missing.
My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.