The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for