The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.