The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.