The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
You Might Also Like
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.