The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

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“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…


I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter


Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…


[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me


Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?


me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor


me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer


Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.