Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do