@MissNaughty1801

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

You Might Also Like

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

@murrman5

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

@trojansauce

ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up

@DaddyJew

*whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*

@LMFOFL

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

@callmeEvian

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.