@ohthatbadger Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
@MissNaughty1801 The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
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@ohthatbadger 
@ArfMeasures WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
@murrman5 well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
@trojansauce ME: can we pull over and get mcdonalds im hungry
KIDNAPPER: omg shut up
@DaddyJew *whispers “we should run away together” while petting the neighbor’s dog*
@LMFOFL If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
@missekay *watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
@sock_holliday Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
@ElliotHetherton [first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
@callmeEvian Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.