
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Those of you wondering what its like to be married: Just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
[later]
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.