@Gupton68

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

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@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@a_simpl_man

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

@Quartzjixler

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@minkpinkustink

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

@ShortSleeveSuit

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@weinerdog4life

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

@BigJDubz

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish