The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial


It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me


Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!


I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.


After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire


Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!


[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*


Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts


Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish