The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10