The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

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“I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE,” I scream, as a sudden gust of wind blows the spider I threw outside onto my face.


Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early


Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.


I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.


It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.


[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog


[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle


Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”


“Spirits, are you there?”


“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”


Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”