The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.