The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.