Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
english majors be like furthermore
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”